Why I Hate Cell Phones
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[Fair Warning: Although the Middle Zone is, and always will be, G-Rated, I should still warn you; this post contains elements of a rather, um, manly nature. It's about an incident that occurred in a men's room. I'm just sayin'.]
It has been said, no doubt ad nauseum, that those who ignore the lessons of the past are doomed to repeat them. The good news, though, is that most of the time, when we make mistakes they aren’t all that big a deal, you know?
For instance, making a right instead of a left on the way to the store, forgetting to feed the cat – or even wearing white after Labor Day – well, you have to admit those are pretty innocuous. And in the long run, they simply don’t matter a whole heck of a lot. (Although wearing white after Labor Day may take a bit longer to get over.)
On the other hand, that time you forgot your spouse’s birthday, accidentally ran into that major client’s car in the parking lot, or when boarding a plane you asked the flight steward to hang up your “light jacket” and they thought you said “hijack”; well, stuff like that can get a little dicey, if ya get my meanin’.
One thing’s for certain, though; those are the kind of mistakes you’d better learn from the first time! Which brings us to the subject of today’s post… cell phone use and/or abuse.
Hey, all I can say is, whatever happens, don’t do this! Just sayin’.
My First Cell Phone
I got my first cell phone back in 2001. (Yes, I’m a slow adapter. So what’s your point?) Oh, it wasn’t because I really wanted to join the already vast hordes of the “instantly connected”, believe me. It was more like an emergency use thing, you know?
However, now that I had one hangin’ on my belt, I figured I might as well use it. So I decided to finally throw caution to the winds and give it a try. The honor of being the first victim recipient (after than Mrs. MZM, of course) would go to a good friend of mine whom I knew wouldn’t mind a getting a totally pointless call from me.
Now at the time, I was working in a rather cramped office building; one of those businesses you’ll find crammed into a somewhat dilapidated warehouse-like building. (It wasn’t the best place I’ve ever worked, but I’d been unemployed for awhile, and hey, it was a job!)
My first problem was finding a private spot to make the call. Like I said, we were crammed in there pretty tightly, so there wasn’t anywhere except the men’s room that had even a semblance of privacy. The only problem with that was, well, you know.
After wandering around the office for a while, though, I concluded there was simply no good spot available in the building. With no options inside, I did the next most obvious thing and headed out the front door. Alas, no joy there either. Unfortunately, our building happened to be right next to a major freeway, and the noise level was only slightly less than that of a jet airliner taking off.
The Echo Chamber
Finally, I gave up and said to myself, OK; the men’s room it is, and headed that way.
First thing, of course, was to make sure I was alone. Lesse now… nope; no feet showing under any of the stall doors. Although I felt like a first-class idiot, it had to be done. OK; so far, so good. Y’all still with me?
The other problem with using this particular location is the fact that every surface in the place is like it’s, well, specifically intended to reflect and magnify sound. To tell you the truth, it’s kinda embarrassing, really. If you walk in with, say, hard soled shoes on, the resulting multiple echoes always make it sound like an army came in the door with you. It’s distracting, to say the least.
Anyway, having ascertained the coast was clear, I pulled out my (sound of scream) cell phone and punched the speed dial. (Hah! Gotcha, didn’t I?) Wonder of wonders, it worked perfectly! Within moments, I was speaking with my friend.
Naturally, I didn’t mention my, er, current location. Yeah, I know; it’s not like cooties could somehow reach through the airwaves and, you know, get him or anything. But I’m guessin’ some folks are kinda weird about that sort of thing, so I sorta figured I’d keep that little factoid to myself.
Bad Habits
Unfortunately, the conversation went on… and on… and on… and I was dismayed to find that I suddenly had, you know, the urge.
Anyway, even that would have been no big deal (and he’d never have been the wiser) except for the fact that (and I promise, it was entirely out of habit) when I was finished, I reached up easy as you please and, well, flushed the danged thing! (sound of EXTREMELY LOUD WHOOSHING NOISES)
When it was over, I could clearly hear the stunned silence on the other end of the line.
My first inclination was to hit the “off” button. But after a moment’s thought I decided not to, figuring it would sound like I’d accidentally flushed the phone. Then, I thought about faking those hissing noises you’d hear when the connection starts to break up. Alas, by then several seconds had passed and I figured the damage was already done.
Finally, I hit upon the only solution possible, considering the, er, circumstances: Once the noise died down, I just picked up the conversation again as if nothing had happened.
Although I know he knew what had happened, my friend kindly played along. (What a pal!) And to this day, we’ve never spoken of “the incident”. But still; I knew he knew, you know?
Lessons Learned
I have to admit; that’s one lesson I’ll never forget! So what the heck; I’ll pass that one, and perhaps a couple more, on to you regarding cell phone use and abuse:
- Make the effort to find a quiet spot (preferably with little or no echo). It may take a while, but believe me, it’ll be worth it!
- Be aware of any background noises. Although you may not notice it, that jackhammer in the background may completely cover up that stock tip you’re tryin’ to pass along.
- While on the phone, use your inside voice. I’m constantly amazed at how many people are guilty of this one. C’mon; give those around you a break!
- And finally, er, whatever you do, please do not call me from the restroom!
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[NOTE: This post is my entry for my most excellent good buddy Brad Shorr's "Cell Phone Users and Abusers" contest. And, although I tell you this at great personal expense (because frankly it may reduce my chance of winning!), if you'd like a chance to win one of several cash prizes (up to $500!), then Bubba, you'd better click on that cute little link and read all about it!
P.S. If you decide to join the party, feel free to steal this badge!]
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Photo Credits:
No Cell Phones at Leland Inn Liquor, by John Kannenberg
Silence Cell Phones, by Lulu Vision
Ashes of Rude Cell Phone Users, by seamy @ flikr
Weird bald guy screaming on phone, by – I have no idea!
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34 responses so far
Middle Zone Musings is a comfortable place to stop, have a cup of coffee, swap a few stories and share practical ideas for the real world. I don't ask for much, just a bit of your brain every now and then. Have a seat, take a load off, and relax...
Robert, thanks for joining the contest with this sparkling entry! There’s nothing quite as deflating to the ego as being on the receiving end of a bathroom call. (By the way, my client’s book features a bathroom caller, though he is not wearing a cowboy hat.) Anyway, whenever I make a bathroom call (yes, I confess, I’ve done it, too), the person I’m calling always seems to know. They immediately say, “Are you calling from a bathroom?” Must be something about the acoustics. Thank you for sharing your story, Bob, and showing, shall we say, another side of yourself.
Brad Shorrs last blog post..Use the Economic Slump to Retool for Success
Great observations and instructions.
What I hate more than “loud talkers”, are loud talkers with a bluetooth device attached to their ear.
As they walk be talking, I never know if they’re talking to me.
best cell phone story ever. too funny. must follow you on twitter
Monica @ Paper Bridgess last blog post..New Jersey Moms Blog launch party
Great post – Robert, you speak for many of us! Of course you understand that means if you win – you share! I’m just saying!
Ellen Webers last blog post..Train Dolphins but “Develop” Human Brains
There’s only one thing I can say to this Robert, and that’s “too much information!!!”
Yikes.
And now you want to share it with the whole Internet?
I’m going for a lie down.
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I can’t think of anyone who could bring this particular point of view to such a gracious expression – well done!! I did a post for this too – wander over and check it out!
ROFL! I don’t know how your friend kept from laughing! I could barely stop laughing long enough to type a comment. I have um personally lost two cell phones to the porcelain throne, and no I don’t drink. Lessons learned, don’t blow dry your hair before coffee and try to talk on your cell at the same time and um it’s probably not a good idea to keep your cell in your back pocket when entering the facilities. I’m jus’ sayin!gg
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@Brad – Yep; showing (sound of scream) yet another side of the ol’ cowboy has it’s hazards, I’ll tell ya. But what the hey, I figured it was worth “taking one for the team”, so to speak, to share the lesson. And maybe win a few bucks (hint, hint, wink, wink). ;-D
@Steve – I remember the first few times I encountered those, too. I thought they were talking to me at first. Then I figured they were talkin’ to themselves. Ah well, to each their own, I always say. It’s not for me, though. I have enough voices in my head without adding to their number, you know.
@Monica – Hey, thanks, Monica! And thanks for the Twitter follow too.
@Ellen – Hey, if I win, I’ll think of something I can do, believe me. Maybe email cookie bouquets to everyone? Hmmm, lemme think… (sound of gears grinding)
@Joanna – I hear ya, Joanna. I worried this story might somehow, er, tarnish your image of lil’ ol’ me. But then I remembered all the other stories I’ve already told and figured, “what the hey!”
@Karen H. – Why thank you, Karen; I read yours too. I dimly recall those pre-historic days when I didn’t have a cell phone – and survived quite well, thank you very much!
@Karen S. – Glad you enjoyed it. And although I’ve never personally fallen prey to either one of those two instances, I know folks who have. And I just gotta say – I ain’t stopped laughing yet!
This made me chuckle. My dad is a cowboy, a real one. He’s in his mid 70s and still workin’ on a ranch in Oklahoma. He was a late bloomer in the area of high tech communication devices as well. He is still proud of his cell phone and carries it everywhere–even to the restroom.
One day he was having some medical issues following a surgery. After he had been at the doctor plenty long I called to see what he had found out. Poor guy hasn’t got the hang of just letting the phone ring or hittin’ that little button that shuts it up when it’s not a good time to talk.
Sure enough, I caught him at a bad time. The instant he answered I knew from the echo where he was. I tried to carry on conversation in a normal way, but it was hard. What made it even more difficult was that he didn’t mind telling me where he was and what he was up to becasue the doctor needed a “sample.”
I love my cowboy dad and this post made me love him all over again. Thanks!
Have a great day!
Stop by my blog and visit me sometime.
Lavonda Pflugs last blog post..Want To See Something Funny? or Tribute To A Good Friend
Great story!!! This is by far the funniest cell phone story that I have ever read….actually its also the first cell phone story that I have ever read….really funny stuff! : )
@Lavonda, I’m so glad you shared that story with us! Makes me believe there’s still time for me to mend the error of my ways, I’ll tell ya. I have a feeling my father-in-law, had he not already gone to Heaven, woulda been pretty much the same way.
@Tyler – Hey, thanks for the compliment, and for dropping by the Zone!
I know your feeling, Robert. Sometimes, the cell phone can be really annoying, especially there is a bl**dy phone call in the middle of night! lol
Therefore, I always switched off the cell phone, when I’m not in use…
There’s nothing wrong with using the cellphone in the loo. I do that with my girlfriend all the time, or what used to be my girlfriend. Um. I think I see your point now.
@Wilson – I have one of those phone/PDA things that won’t actually turn off, so at night I’ve occasionally heard it ring in the other room. But I just turn over and go back to sleep. Nothing could be that important!
@Myron – Well… uh, case closed, Myron!
What worries me is the affect this technology seems to be having on teenagers. I actually saw a teenager talking on her cell phone during the national anthem the other day at a sporting event. I tapped her on the shoulder and told her to put it down until the anthem was over. She looked embarrassed. But hey, if you don’t know not to jaw during the national anthem…
Lisa Millss last blog post..Work from Home B2B Appointment Setting for North Carolina Company
Sheesh, you’d think folks would know even the simplest things, right Lisa? But noooooooo! I’m surprised I haven’t seen that in church yet…
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I had a very bad experience with cell phone. I was being interviewed for a prestigious job. I wanted this job badly. But, while I was answering their questions, my cell phone started buzzing (in vibration mode). I was distracted, they noticed, and I was out.
If you don’t want to be disturbed while out, you can always turn the phone off or simply choose not to answer it. I wish more people would learn that skill. I like having a cell phone because I can go for long stretches of time when I’m hardly home except to sleep, so it gives me the freedom to still talk to people when I’m away from home.
I always hate to be in the ladies’ room when someone’s on the phone in there. While it’s there choice to talk on the phone in the bathroom, I feel bad flushing.
Ronnicas last blog post..Don’t Boo Me Off the Stage, Please!
LOL, that was a great story Robert. The side-comments and humor were great, and let me tell you, you’re not the only one who’s had this kind of experience with cellphones. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve gone into the men’s room at work to hear people yapping away while holding NOTHING back… I mean nothing, it really makes flushing sound appealing. Your lessons learned are great and are definitely ones that I, too, have learned in the past and make sure that I follow to this day.
Charley @ Underground Hip Hops last blog post..Old School Hip Hop – Mic Geronimo – The Natural – Throwback Thursdays
@Hey, thanks for sayin’ so, Charley – and a tip o’ the hat to ya for dropping by!
That was a great story! This is one of the funniest cell phone stories that I have seen.