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(Note: This is my entry for this month’s What I Learned From… group writing project. If you’d like to participate (and everyone is welcome), click the link and read all about it.)

Teams. Teamwork. Join the team. Be a team player. Go, team! What a team! Yay, team! – (sound of phonograph needle sliding across a vinyl record).

If you’re in business these days (or, you know, human), then you’ve likely had the, er, opportunity to be part of a team of some kind. Heck; even if you’re not in business, you’re probably either in a team now, or have been in one at some time or another.

I mean, teams is where it’s at, don’cha know. It’s where the action is, how the work gets done, and well, how interactions occur between groups and/or individuals. It’s life. (And if you believe you are NOT part of a team of some kind, then congratulations – on your delusion. But I digress.)

Anyway, lemme ask ya this: Have you ever found yourself stuck working with, or even around (well, let’s see… how can I put this delicately?) a complete and total, um, jerkbrain (flash of lightning; deafening clap of thunder; sound of terrified screaming)?

(And by the way, I was going to use the generic and possibly more widely accepted term “bozo” – except I didn’t want to offend the actual, you know, clown.)

“I can work with anybody!”

I’m sure most of us would like to think we can pretty much work with just about anybody. Hey, I can understand that; I feel that way myself, and I’ve had quite a few years to prove it.

After over 30 years in the engineering business, I’ve been exposed to (Eek! No, not that kind of exposed!), worked with, or worked alongside folks from pretty much all walks of life. Construction hands, union and non-union workers, office folks, PhDs, academics, engineers, accountants – hey, you name ‘em, I’ve probably worked with ‘em. (In fact, to my mind, that’s part of the fun of life. I just love the diversity of the human race, don’t you?)

But, I have to admit; there was this one guy…

No Choice in the Matter

Back in the ‘90s, two of us were sent down to Venezuela to audit one of our major contractor’s field records. When we arrived they put us in a hotel and assigned a driver to take us to and from work every day. Great!

But if we wanted to go anywhere other than work (not that there were many places to go, mind you), it was a different story. For that, we had to depend upon yet another (although it pains me to have to admit to it) American living in the same hotel who had been given a car. For some reason they didn’t provide us one (for which, after seeing how they drive, I am eternally grateful!)

Anyway, the upshot was that for practically every meal or non-work activity, the three of us were forced to ride and eat together; thus, we spent quite a lot of time together. Now, ordinarily this wouldn’t be a problem. BUT (and mind you, that’s a really BIG but) in this case it was huge because as I sorta, er, hinted, this guy was a complete and total jerkbrain (flash of lightning; deafening clap of – well, you get the picture, right?)

I mean to tell ya – this guy was (why don’t we count the ways?) loud, obnoxious, foul-mouthed, crass, rude, and arrogant – and trust me when I say those were actually his best qualities! In over 30 years in the business world – before and since – I’ve never had to be around anyone else quite like this guy (can you hear my teeth grinding when I say it - sorta like when Seinfeld says the name Newman).

It would have been comical if it hadn’t been so excruciatingly painful.

Don’t quite believe me? OK, here are just a few examples:

• I’m sure you’ve either heard of or known people who use profanity “practically every third word”, right? Ordinarily, and if you were to admit the truth, that’s usually (and understandably) a bit of an exaggeration. But with this guy it actually was every third or fourth word!

• Want to know his formula for how to win an argument (of which he had legion)? He would shout louder and louder until the other party gave up. By this standard (as far as he was concerned) he “won” every one – because he NEVER quit first.

• When an opinion was called for, his was not just the best opinion; it was the ONLY one allowed throughout time immemorial – and anyone who thought differently was shouted down in the most obnoxious terms possible (see the first two bullets, above).

OK, I know you’re thinking to yourself, “C’mon, Robert; I’m sure you’re exaggerating a bit. This guy can’t be real. Nobody is that bad!” But you’d be wrong! I kid you not; he was actually much worse. It was – almost – unbearable.

First, Put Away the Baseball Bat

Well, my friends; if you’ve never had the (c’mon, let’s put a positive spin on it, shall we?) blessing of a learning experience like this (and believe me, you can learn a lot about yourself if when it happens), then allow me to share 5 important things I learned. (By the way, all of these are very closely related.)

Manage your own reactions – My first tendency, when confronted with this type of person, is to push back – and hard! I’m not proud of that, but there it is. But it became quickly obvious that in this case, he would have simply escalated his volume and profanity levels until I gave up. Instead, I learned to manage my own reactions. It’s a little like breaking a horse to the saddle; when he resists (and he will), you give him enough lead to buck around awhile. Sooner or later, though, he’ll run out of energy, and then you can get to work.

State your case, and then say no more – Again, it did no good to try to discuss anything; he wanted no part of that. You were wrong no matter what. Instead, I learned to state my piece (even if I had to say it while he tried to talk over me – which happened a lot) and then shut up! Thus, when he tried to escalate things into an argument, there was no longer anything for him to “use”. Hey, I’d said what I wanted to say, and that was it. (Besides, it was fascinating to catalog the many different shades of red his face could turn.)

Speak quietly, but firmly – There is nothing that irritates an argumentative person than not being able to argue! Never raise your voice back to someone like that; it’s like pouring gasoline on a fire. Instead, keep cool and calm in the midst of the storm. Not only will it put them off their stride, but it will also impress everyone else in the room with your ability to stay cool. I lost count of the times someone would ask me afterwards, “How do you keep your cool with that guy, anyway?”

Sometimes, this technique may actually make an impression on the offensive person, too. At the end of our Venezuelan assignment, and as I shook his hand just before leaving for the airport (one last chance for me to be the bigger person, you know), he gruffly said to me, “Well, I just want you to know you really ticked me off. But you stood up to me and I respect that!” [Note: all 12 expletives deleted.] Sheesh, who knew?

Don’t go there! – Encounters like this, I’m sorry to say (mostly because I’m guilty, guilty, guilty!), tend to bring out all the worst in us, don’t they? Occasionally in an unguarded moment, I would find myself imagining all kinds of colorful or graphic ways to respond, retaliate, or just plain whack the guy (most of which involved serious bodily harm). But the more my imagination ran wild, the worse I felt; it was as if I was becoming just like him! (Anger has a way of feeding upon itself, you know; it can truly destroy anything it touches – especially you!) But once I realized what was happening, I was able to calm down, restore my spirit, and once again relax.

It’s a choice – When you get right down to it, who we choose to be is just that: a choice. And there are many consequences for the choices we make. The irony is, the negative path is actually the harder choice – and with the worst consequences! So why do some folks choose it? I don’t know, but the fact is many do. Whatever you do, just don’t let them take you with ‘em!

______________________

Nowadays, I can look back on that experience and laugh – although I’ll be the first to admit it was pretty tough to take at the time. But here I am, fat and sassy (er, so to speak), still enjoying what life has to offer. I can’t imagine that other fellow doing the same. Too bad.

So how about you? Ever had to be associated with a jerkbrain? My list of lessons learned is far from exhaustive; care to add anything to it? (And, um, don’t forget our G-Rating here!)

(photo: day51, by immy)

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