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I was browsing through Scientific American’s blog the other day and ran across a reference to Sam Hughes’s How to Destroy the Earth page. Naturally I was intrigued – I mean, I can’t tell you how often that exact subject has come up in conversation, and I’m never comfortable discussing something I didn’t know much about. Well, never again!

If you’ve ever fantasized about being the one to pull the trigger (and please, if you are, I don’t want to know!) then before you start planning how to do the deed, you might want to check this one out. Sam does an exhaustive (and I do mean exhaustive!) analysis on the subject that might just be worth your time (selected highlights below).

First, there’s the definition of what it means to “destroy the Earth” (“by any means necessary, to change the Earth into something other than a planet”). Then, of course you must have a way to monitor our current status (i.e. the number of times the Earth has been destroyed). In fact, Sam has even thoughtfully provided a button you can place on your website that displays the current Earth-Destruction Alert Level (also known as the EDA, which is currently green: “Earth not destroyed”).

The rest of the page is broken down into categories, starting with Methods for Destroying the Earth (“#6 – Sucked into a giant black hole”), with each one broken down into subcategories, including materials needed (“a giant black hole”), details on the method (“after locating the black hole, you need to get it and the Earth together”), and a feasibility rating (in this case, 6/10). By the way, this last item refers to the feasibility of the method, not the likelihood of it happening, which hopefully is a much smaller number.

For the REALLY patient, “Fallback Methods” includes ways the Earth could come to an end naturally (“#3 – Swallowed up as the Sun enters the red giant phase”) as well as the expected timelines involved (“about 5,000,000,000 years”).

Somewhat less likely scenarios are covered as well (“#2 – Gobbled up by strangelets”), and just to be sure we’re all clear on the concept (we’re talkin’ DESTROY, people, not just damaged), he’s got a list of events that may damage, but won’t actually destroy the Earth (nanotechnology, detonating every nuclear weapon simultaneously in the same location, and my personal favorite, “burned away by muon-catalyzed fusion of the oceans” – I mean, c’mon people). As an honorable mention, there’s also the “dare the girly-beings of Andromeda to smack you” technique, and then, you know, they do.

For sci-fi buffs, there’s a separate page for various fictional scenarios, including Star Wars (natch), Star Trek (ditto), Dr. Who, and of course the ever-popular WB cartoon character Marvin the Martian (“Four words and a number: Illudium Q-36 Explosive Space Modulator. Result: Earth-shattering kaboom.”)

You’ll also find a section on the more mundane aspects of destroying the Earth (“…not as easy as pressing a big red button. It takes decades of hard work.”) including useful tips for those individuals thinking of making this a career goal. And, in case you have any questions, see the FAQs on the Advisory Board page, where you’ll find more useful information, such as this gem: Q. “How can I find out if the Earth has been destroyed?” (Helpfully, there are actually two ways – check the EDA [if NOT green, then…] or you can also get a notification by email.)

Finally, in an admirable effort to maintain the accuracy of the EDA, there is the following statement:

“We would, however, ask that anybody intending to destroy or attempt to destroy the Earth notify us at least three weeks in advance of the projected date of Earth-destruction, so that the EDA Level and CGC can be kept as accurate as possible.”

You know, it would just be absolutely finer than a frogs hair if you would subscribe to my RSS feed!