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Amaze your friends! Impress your co-workers! Flabbergast your enemies!

All you have to do when you run out of intelligent things to say is repeat one or more of these quotes, and you’ll put them all in their place!

• “I used to be Snow White, but I drifted.” – Mae West
• “Always grab the reader by the throat in the first paragraph, send your thumbs into his windpipe in the second, and hold him against the wall until the tagline.” – Paul O’Neil
• “No one really listens to anyone else. If you try it a while, you’ll see why.” – Mignon McLaughlin
• “In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice; in practice, there is.” – Chuck Reid
• “I’m kinda jealous of the life I’m supposedly leading.” – Zach Braff
• “No.” – Amy Carter
• “I don’t know half of you half as well as I should like; and I like less than half of you half as well as you deserve.” – J. R. R. Tolkien
• “Rogues are preferable to imbeciles because they sometimes take a rest.” – Alexandre Dumas
• “If you believe everything you read, better not read.” – Japanese Proverb
• “There is no excellent beauty that hath not some strangeness in the proportion.” – Sir Francis Bacon
• “The scientific name for an animal that doesn’t either run from its enemies or fight is lunch.” – Michael Friedman
• “When everyone is against you, it means that you are absolutely wrong – or absolutely right.” – Albert Guinon
• “The longer I live the more I see that I am never wrong about anything, and that all the pains I have so humbly taken to verify my notions have only wasted my time.” – George Bernard Shaw
• “If at first you don’t succeed, find out if the loser gets anything.” – Bill Lyon
• “There is nothing worse than aggressive stupidity.” – Johann Wolfgang von Goeth
• “It is difficult to produce a television documentary that is both incisive and probing when every twelve minutes one is interrupted by twelve dancing rabbits singing about toilet paper.” – Rod Serling
• “In matters of style, swim with the current; in matters of principle, stand like a rock.” – Thomas Jefferson
• “This was a woman who, between courses, could be graceful with her elbows on the table.” – Henry James
• “Sometimes it’s harder to deprive oneself of a pain than a pleasure.” – F. Scott Fitzgerald
• “We think in generalities, but we live in detail.” – Alfred North Whitehead
• “Mankind have a great aversion to intellectual labor; but even supposing knowledge to be easily attainable, more people would be content to be ignorant than would take even a little trouble to acquire it.” – Samuel Johnson
• “The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new discoveries, is not ‘Eureka!’, but ‘That’s funny …’” – Isaac Asimov
• “Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, ‘Where have I gone wrong?’ Then a voice says to me, ‘This is going to take more than one night.’” – Charles M. Schulz
• “Take everything except yourselves seriously.” – Rudyard Kipling
• “Success usually comes to those who are too busy to look for it.” – Henry David Thoreau
• “All is in the hands of man. Therefore wash them often.” – Stanislaw J. Lec
• “A person is never happy except at the price of some ignorance.” – Anatole France
• “Life does not cease to be funny when people die any more than it ceases to be serious when people laugh.” – George Bernard Shaw
• “I think there is only one quality worse than hardness of heart and that is softness of head.” – Theodore Roosevelt
• “By the time a man realizes his father was right, he usually has a son who thinks he’s wrong.” – Charles Wadsworth
• “Ultimately, what separates a winner from a loser is the willingness to do the unthinkable. Intelligence without audaciousness is not enough.” – Garry Kasparov
• “My husband gave me a necklace. It’s fake. I requested fake. Maybe I’m paranoid, but in this day and age, I don’t want something around my neck that is worth more than my head.” – Rita Rudner
• “Reality is the leading cause of stress among those in touch with it.” – Jane Wagner
• “When we are unable to find tranquility within ourselves, it is useless to seek it elsewhere.” – Francois de La Rochefoucauld
• “How much easier to be critical than be correct.” – Benjamin Disraeli
• “The point of quotations is that one can use another’s words to be insulting.” – Amanda Cross
• “It is only possible to live happily ever after on a day to day basis.” – Margaret Bonnano
• “It has yet to be proven that intelligence has any survival value.” – Arthur C. Clarke
• “There is no pleasure in having nothing to do; the fun is in having lots to do and not doing it.” – Mary Wilson Little
• “Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?” – Edgar Bergen
• “Architecture is the art of how to waste space.” – Philip Johnson
• “Every composer knows the anguish and despair occasioned by forgetting ideas which one had no time to write down.” – Hector Berlioz
• “The men the American public admire most extravagantly are the most daring liars; the men they detest most violently are those who try to tell them the truth.” – H. L. Mencken

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