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(Note: This is an Unpaid Public Service Announcement. The FCC requires all US radio and TV stations to set aside so many minutes for unpaid announcements that benefit the public in some way – so why not blogs? This one is mine.)

This post was inspired by a disgusting conversation in my work carpool the other morning about someone (not one of us, mind you) who chews tobacco. Not that anyone in our carpool does (or wants to, thank goodness), but it prompted a discussion about this, that and the other, and before long we were discussing - well, read on…

Have you ever been in a carpool? I’m in one with three others (names have been changed to protect the guilty innocent: there’s Joe, Fred, Sherry, and what the heck, since everyone else gets a new name – call me Steve). Every work day, the four of us put our lives into each other’s hands, so to speak. It’s a sobering thought, isn’t it, to be responsible for not just your own life but others as well (I mean, besides the other 500 cars on the road with you).

Have you ever thought about what brings a random group like a carpool together? Hey, let’s face it – it isn’t common likes and dislikes (sound of buzzer), similar life goals (well – other than “get to work and back alive”), shared philosophies, interests, aspirations or even shoe sizes (unless, of course, you intended your carpool for only Hare Krishna stamp collectors who want to run for public office, who like Gilligan’s Island reruns and hate American Idol, and have size-13 feet).

No, the things that make them into a carpool are generally pretty narrowly defined, e.g. you live around this location, you work here, and your working hours are thus. That’s pretty much it. The fact is, most people are satisfied with that – but not us (and don’t worry, you’ll thank us for this later)! We believe there are a veritable host of other things that should probably be taken into consideration.

For example, the vehicle must be big enough to hold everyone. (No cramming four people into a Mazda Miata, you know.) But even more important, there’s the, um, er, personal habits to be considered. No detail is too unimportant; all should be taken into consideration when you form a carpool.

As we discussed the various issues and rules that might be useful in establishing a good, well balanced and successful carpool, Frank (or was that Eddy, or maybe it was Ron?) suggested what we were doing almost sounded like we were forming our own cult! Ironically enough it makes sense (ironic, as you know, is an ancient Inca term which means made entirely of iron); cults are, after all, pretty much “rules-driven” organizations.

However, since the word ‘cult’ may carry a rather negative connotation (and since Spielberg’s Ring movies were so popular), we’ll call it Fellowship of the Carpool instead. Anyway, as a public service, we decided to establish a set of rules that should be useful for anyone thinking of starting one up.

Of course, there’s the obvious ones:

1. Vehicle – An adequate size for the number of riders (in spite of what you may have learned at Clown College, you can’t fit 35 people into a Volkswagen Beetle, not even the new improved Beetle). Also, it should be in reasonably reliable operating condition (an old Mercedes I saw in Venezuela comes to mind; literally every square inch was dented, the bumpers were barely hanging on with twine, and it continuously belched thick black smoke – but it ran!)
2. Driver Ability – Possessing at least a fair driving record is a must. I don’t know about you, but I’d hate to get into a car driven by someone with 50 moving violations… and that’s just from last month! They should also not scare the bejeebers out of their riders (or anyone else) by tailgating at high speed, weaving in and out of traffic, cutting people off, or playfully clipping the fenders of cars who get too close.

All right, I think most of us can agree to those and similarly sensible rules. After all, they’re, ya’know, sensible. But what about rules regarding the carpool members?

You might want to seriously consider the following as well:

1. Attitude – Cliquish, arrogant, rude and obnoxious folks are wasting their time trying to join; just go away, you big jerks; we don’t want your kind here!
2. Talking – No excessively chatty riders, particularly during the morning ride when most riders (hopefully with the exception of the driver) are still trying to sleep. Also, all discussion should be limited to subjects which could not possibly cause hurt feelings. This eliminates religion, politics, marriage, radio stations, PC vs. Mac or other similarly explosive subjects; after all, fist fights over highly-divisive issues can become a bit… distracting to the driver. Especially when they start swinging. (It may be useful to come up with a list of approved discussion topics so no one is taken by surprise. And good luck with that.)
3. Cell Phones – The use of a cell phone by the driver while they’re, y’know, driving is prohibited (actually, you may be surprised to know this is probably in your company’s policies – you should check it out). Otherwise (other than being the pox of modern-day life), cell phones are no big deal. Except, of course, for #1 and #2 above.
4. Tobacco – Use of all tobacco products is a big fat no-no. In fact, not only are smokers prohibited, but anyone who sits near a smoker and picks up the second-hand smell on their clothes as well, along with those who chew, spit, or, er, otherwise use it in any form whatsoever (remember, here’s where this whole post started). Trust me, all non-smokers will thank you.
5. Other Personal Habits – Gum chewing is acceptable, but loud popping of gum is not. Likewise, dramatic failures (or lack) of deodorant, irritating slurping of coffee, loud snoring (especially from the driver) and, um, other personal noises we won’t mention here (Bwa-ha-ha-ha! Gotcha! I was talking about stomach growling. What were you thinking about?) are considered sufficient grounds for banishment.

So, what do you think? What have I missed? Remember, we’re doing this as a Public Service, so if you’ve got a few suggestions, go ahead and submit them here!

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