Howdy, Bubba! Hey, if you're new around these parts, I just want to say how much I appreciate you dropping by! Oh, and you may want to subscribe to my feed. Thanks, and a tip o' the hat to ya!

Hit the brakes! Stop the presses! Alert the media! You are about to enter a knowledge-enhancement zone. Do not pass Go; do not collect $200.Y’now, in my never-ending quest to find the one great contribution I can make to the world’s body of knowledge - that one thing that will make this world a better place; well, I may have finally found it. Yes, I know, I thought I had it once before, and even presented my thesis to you, my faithful readers. But alas, the Nobel committee never did call back. Can’t think why.However, I just may have it now. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, if (and only if) you are interested in elevating your consciousness to a higher level, please read on. But don’t say I didn’t warn you!

First some background.

BBC News UK reports that “scientists” have finally come up with a way to quantify the “beer-goggle effect” – that well-known phenomenon that enhances the attractiveness of someone (or something, for that matter) - at least until the morning after, that is. As it turns out, it’s not just the amount of alcohol, there are lots of other factors that may contribute to the effect.

• β = beer goggle effect (a score from 1 to 100)
• An = number of units of alcohol consumed (loosely translated: “beers”)
• S = smokiness of the room (and, presumably, sensitivity of eyes to smoke)
• L = luminance of ‘person of interest’ (in other words, how dark it is in the room)
• Vo = Snellen visual acuity measurement (how good is the viewers’ eyesight?)
• δ = distance from ‘person of interest’

OK, so far so good, right? But here’s where I make my contribution (strictly in the name of science, don’tcha know). After examining the equation, I believe it to be somewhat lacking in another very critical factor; something we’ll call the horniness factor (let’s designate it as “H”).

I would make a small change in the equation, thus:

H1 and H2 are the horniness factors for the viewer and viewee, respectively. You have to remember that no matter how large a number H1 is, the product of H1 and H2 becomes progressively less significant as H2 gets smaller. And the smaller the product of H1 and H2, the smaller the overall score, β. (It’s also worth noting that initially, even though H2 is a complete unknown, it must be estimated accurately within a very narrow range, or the entire calculation implodes and the viewer goes home alone).So there you have it folks, my contribution to the body of knowledge. I guess I can just roll over and go back to sleep now, my work here is done.

Wake me when the Nobel committee calls; I have a spot on the mantle all picked out.

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