NOTE: This will be the last post prior to the upcoming Let’s Be Brief writing contest. The continuing theme of posts this week and next will be generally (and sometimes loosely) on the subject of writing.

The other day I ran across a page of what is laughingly called Research Definitions. They are phrases useful for writing research papers and other types of reports.

Since the idea behind Let’s Be Brief (see below) is to write sparingly (after all, you only get six words), I thought this might be a good example of writing tips that have gone amazingly, horribly bad. I have no idea who gets the credit for starting these, but whoever you are, many thanks, your legacy remains!

RESEARCH DEFINITIONS

For when you searching for that certain phrase…

• “IT HAS LONG BEEN KNOWN” – I haven’t bothered to look up the original reference.

• “WHILE IT HAS NOT BEEN POSSIBLE TO PROVIDE DEFINITE ANSWERS TO THESE QUESTIONS” – The experiments didn’t work out, but I figured I could get publicity out of it.

• “OF GREAT THEORETICAL AND PRACTICAL IMPORTANCE” – Interesting to me.

• “THREE OF THE SAMPLES WERE CHOSEN FOR DETAILED STUDY” – The results of the others didn’t make sense and were ignored.

• “ACCIDENTLY STAINED DURING MOUNTING” – Accidentally dropped on the floor.

• “HANDLED WITH EXTREME CARE DURING THE EXPERIMENTS” – Not dropped on the floor.

• “TYPICAL RESULTS WERE SHOWN” – My best results are shown.

• “PRESUMABLY AT LONGER TIMES” – I didn’t take the time to find out.

• “THESE RESULTS WILL BE REPORTED AT A LATER DATE” – Forget that one, baby!

• “THE BEST VALUES WERE THOSE OF JONES” – He was a student of mine.

• “IT IS BELIEVED THAT” – I think.

• “IT IS GENERALLY BELIEVED THAT” – A couple of others think so too.

• “IT MIGHT BE ARGUED THAT” – I have such a good argument for this objection I want to make sure I get to use it.

• “CORRECT WITHIN AN ORDER OF MAGNITUDE” – Wrong.

• “IT IS HOPED THAT THIS WORK WILL STIMULATE FURTHER WORK IN THE FIELD” – This paper is not very good, but neither are any of the others on this miserable subject.

• “THANKS ARE DUE TO JOE GLOTZ FOR ASSISTANCE WITH THE EXPERIMENT AND TO JOHN DOE FOR VALUABLE ADVICE” – Glotz did the work and John explained to me what it meant.

So, if you are writing a report and are searching for ways to express how you REALLY feel (without those pesky embarrassing statements that may haunt you forever), these helpful tips may be just what the doctor ordered. And by the way, if you are guilty of using these flowery phrases, then rest assured we ALL know what you REALLY mean!

OK, now it’s YOUR turn

Don’t just sit there like a wart on a pickle, how about entering the Let’s Be Brief writing contest? Try your hand at writing a story, any story, but with a twist – you can only use six words! Yes, you read it right. Think it’s not possible? Think again!

Check this article from Wired Online where 38 authors and designers tried their hands at six-word stories. Hey, just because they’re rich and famous doesn’t mean they’re the only ones who can do it, right? Why not you?

Starting Monday, January 15th, I will be accepting your entries thru Sunday, January 21st. All entries will be judged (for your extinguished distinguished panel of judges, see below), and the best will be showcased. In addition, you will have plenty of opportunities to share links (for those of you who are interested in that sort of thing).

For further details, please read my previous posts this week.

Here’s all you have to do to enter the contest:

1. Read (if you like) the stories in the Wired article to get a feel for how it’s done.

2. Write a six-word story (a kinda obvious step, I know). In fact, write a bunch – the more the merrier. There are really only two rules to this contest: a) use exactly six words, and b) because this is for general consumption, I would appreciate it if you would please keep it G-rated!

3. For those of you with blogs, post your entry on your blog, and link back to the kickoff post on Monday, January 15th. Then send me an email to let me know. (You’ll have to wait until Monday for the link to link to to be ready to be linked to. I think.)

4. For those of you without blogs (and why haven’t you started one yet?), you can enter your submissions via the comments on this post. No need to email me in this case.

5. In return, I will link back to your post several times, and once more in the contest archive post.

6. If you are a lurker and would still like to participate but have a hard time breaking the habit, I will be happy to post your entries anonymously. Just send me an email with your entries and make sure you let me know of your wishes. I promise on my sweet grandmother’s Christmas tacos (hey, you gotta try these things to know what I mean) I will preserve your anonyminity ananominitie anonomousness secret.

To help determine the winners, I’ve lined up a special international cast of judges from across the globe to render their opinions and pick the best (in various categories we will make up on the spot):

• John Koetsier – our distinguished Canadian judge who, among other things, runs bizhack, a technology and business blog especially focused on “the intersection of business and technology”

• Shawn Callahan – the outstanding Australian judge and founder of Anecdote, a consulting firm that “tackles complex problems like organizational change, learning and project evaluation”, with particular attention to storytelling and knowledge gathering

• Yours truly – representing the United States of America (albeit with an admittedly slightly twisted point of view); an unparallelled engineering project manager, the imaginative founder and sole proprieter of Middle Zone Musings, and an all-around nice guy (hey, it’s my blog and I can say it if I want to)

Do yourself a favor and drop by John’s and Shawn’s blogs for a good read, and thank them for participating. You’ll make their day (and mine, too!)

Now get crackin’ people, you only have a few days left before it starts!